A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/gamblingjokes.html There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was very successful at his job. He had a wife and was happily married. And he had lots of money. Then one day he heard A Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He said to himself, “What was that all about?” All that day he heard The Voice over and over and over. It was driving him crazy! He decided he was working too hard so he took the next day off.
While he was at home he kept hearing The Voice. “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to move. So the next day he quit his job, sold his property and moved to Las Vegas. When he got there The Voice said, “Go to the Bellagio Casino.” So he went there. He got there and The Voice said, “Go to the Roulette Wheel. Put all your money on red 16.” So he does. The man behind the wheel started it to spin around and around and around. It finally stops on black 12. The Voice says, “WELL, SHIT!” A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet.
When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were five nickels in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes. This morning, there were quarters!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. "You're simply going through the change!" 1. YOU'RE 39 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
2. YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE. 3. YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY. 4. YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS. 5. IT'S NOT 'MANHATTAN'; IT'S THE "CITY." 6. THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S "UPTOWN" OR "DOWNTOWN." IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHERE NORTH AND SOUTH ARE.... (AND EAST OR WEST IS CROSS-TOWN"!) 7. YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO DO IT. 8. YOU MOVE 3,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN. 9. YOU CURSE A LOT 10. YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE "REAL" PIZZA AND A "REAL" BAGEL. 11. A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE. 12. YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS. 13. YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY. 14. YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY. 15. YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS WHICH ARE: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN, INDIAN OR SPANISH. 16. YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. 17. YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT. 18. YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS. 19. SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET. 20. YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF. 21. YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR. 22. YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS. 23. THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR. 24. YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP. 25. THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S A BEER. Source: www.brooklynian.com 1. First, it's pronounced LOSS VAYGUS, NEVA-A-A-DA (not Nev-ah-da.). It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has its own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. 3. All directions start with, "Go down 95...' cause you DON'T want to get on 15!" 4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston Blvd, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end. 5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive". 6. The 8:00 am rush hour is 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends some time late Sunday night. 7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue. 8. For the most part, you can do anything you want, as long as it isn't in a school zone. 9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Blvd., Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Desert Inn is Lamb Blvd., Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. 10. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE "parallel" streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs, ask any middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it. 11. Rainbow Blvd. has THREE exits from the 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead "Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and..." Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers who move into our valley every month. 12. The 215 beltway intersects on the north and the south with many of the same streets, such as Jones/215, Decatur/215 and Rainbow/215. You must be specific in your directions or the repairman will end up 25 miles from your house. Ditto for newcomers. 13. Many major roads just end abruptly in somebody's garage, a Home Depot, a Casino or McCarran International Airport Runway and start again after the interruption. That was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. For fun, just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis. 14. If moisture at hand is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend. 15. Once a year, when it rains, the Las Vegas Wash and the City of Las Vegas are one. 16. The wind blows every day, and it is impossible to live in Las Vegas without some kind of allergy drug. 17. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it! 18. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd. if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie "Top Gun." - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill. - You answer the door before people knock. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people’s fingernails. - Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.” - You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - You don’t need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.” - You don’t sweat, you percolate. - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. - You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - Instant coffee takes too long. - When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.” - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a “drip” is a compliment. - You don’t tan, you roast. - You can’t even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
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About Me
Chocolate and caffeine addicted Brooklyn girl living in beautiful Las Vegas, NV. I love to cook, bake, garden, read and travel. I wouldn't say I have a green thumb. I just keep more plants alive than I kill. Categories
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