A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's ...vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he may have gone too Far, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unacceptable and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude, and just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" A guy is walking down the strip when a second guy flags him down and says, " Can you please help me with some money? My wife and I were walking down the strip and she was looking up at all of the lights and tripped on a curb. She broke her shoulder and is pretty banged up. The problem is we do not have any insurance and any little bit will help."
The 1st guy says "Are you kidding me? Do I look stupid? If I give you $20 you're just going to go into that casino and blow it on slots." The 2nd guy says, "Oh no, no, I have gambling money!"
Source: http://youmightbe.com/blog/ A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/gamblingjokes.html There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was very successful at his job. He had a wife and was happily married. And he had lots of money. Then one day he heard A Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He said to himself, “What was that all about?” All that day he heard The Voice over and over and over. It was driving him crazy! He decided he was working too hard so he took the next day off.
While he was at home he kept hearing The Voice. “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to move. So the next day he quit his job, sold his property and moved to Las Vegas. When he got there The Voice said, “Go to the Bellagio Casino.” So he went there. He got there and The Voice said, “Go to the Roulette Wheel. Put all your money on red 16.” So he does. The man behind the wheel started it to spin around and around and around. It finally stops on black 12. The Voice says, “WELL, SHIT!” A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet.
When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were five nickels in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes. This morning, there were quarters!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. "You're simply going through the change!" 1. YOU'RE 39 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
2. YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE. 3. YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY. 4. YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS. 5. IT'S NOT 'MANHATTAN'; IT'S THE "CITY." 6. THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S "UPTOWN" OR "DOWNTOWN." IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHERE NORTH AND SOUTH ARE.... (AND EAST OR WEST IS CROSS-TOWN"!) 7. YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO DO IT. 8. YOU MOVE 3,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN. 9. YOU CURSE A LOT 10. YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE "REAL" PIZZA AND A "REAL" BAGEL. 11. A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE. 12. YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS. 13. YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY. 14. YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY. 15. YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS WHICH ARE: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN, INDIAN OR SPANISH. 16. YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. 17. YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT. 18. YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS. 19. SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET. 20. YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF. 21. YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR. 22. YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS. 23. THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR. 24. YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP. 25. THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S A BEER. Source: www.brooklynian.com |
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Chocolate and caffeine addicted Brooklyn girl living in beautiful Las Vegas, NV. I love to cook, bake, garden, read and travel. I wouldn't say I have a green thumb. I just keep more plants alive than I kill. Categories
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